Knit in my Heart

Knitting was something my grandma was very passionate about.  She loved to knit.  And, I loved to watch her.  When I was a little girl I wanted to learn how.  My Grandma Ruth showed me how to make washcloths.  I'm pretty sure I wasn't very good at it, but I loved that I was learning something that she loved to do.

When I grew older and had children, I didn't have the time to knit.  But, shortly after I had Hope I decided I wanted to pick knitting back up again.  I had my Grandma show me all over again how to cast on (I still struggle with it and now my mom has to help me!).  I worked on this blanket in the evenings and it took me several months, but I finished it.  I was quite impressed that I accomplished it.  There were some mistakes along the way and too often, I had to visit my Grandma and ask for help in fixing a mistake I'd made.  To this day, Hope still uses that blanket.  It is quite worn and has holes in it, but it makes my heart happy to see something that I poured myself into be loved by my child.

When we decided to adopt Judah I knew we would not be bringing a baby home.  I knew he would be a toddler or slightly older, but I still wanted him to have his first blanket from his mama.  So, I began to knit.  It was the same simple pattern I used for Hope, only this time the yarn was a beautiful blue instead of a soft lavender.  I spent many nights praying while knitting.  Praying for whatever child was meant to be wrapped up in this blanket.  Many tears were shed, slowly falling from my cheeks as I prayed for a child I'd never met.  Somehow, I still messed up the blanket by dropping a stitch or miss-counting rows.  I'd have to call my mom and tell her I needed help (by this time, my Grandma's hands were too frail to do a lot, but I know she helped me a time or two).  The day Judah came home, I gave him his blanket.  He still sleeps with it today.

Occasionally, Hope and Judah wear their blankets as capes. :)

Again, when we decided to adopt this time, we knew we would not be adopting a baby.  Back in August, before we headed off for vacation I had my mom help me find some yarn and I started another blanket.  Vacation ended, I had some rows done, but still had a very long ways to go.  We needed to fill out more paper work and kids activities kept me busy, but I'd pick up the blanket here and there.

Recently, though, I felt this urge to get it done.  I knit almost every night for a couple of weeks and one Tuesday when no children were home, I just picked the blanket up and knit and knit and knit.  I prayed for our child, I recited a favorite bible verse of mine over and over, stitch by stitch.  Late that evening Jeremy and I were sitting together and I finished it.  It felt so good to have it done.  I showed it to Hope and the first thing she did was put it on as a cape.

When I knit this blanket I thought of the passage in Psalm 139 where it talks about God knitting us in our mother's womb.  While Judah was not knit in my womb, he certainly was knit in my heart.  The same is true for our next child.  There is so much love already in my heart.  Sometimes I feel a physical ache when I think of our child whose face we have not seen.  And, that is the work of God preparing our family, making room in our hearts to love one more.

(Writing this post made me realize how much I miss those times with my Grandma and how she would laugh at having to help me over and over)!  While no two people are alike, neither are any of my blankets.  I know there are mistakes in each one of them, but they are "perfect" in the eyes of my children. :)