My Attempt at Blogging

So, Jeremy thinks I need to step it up and put something on the blog, so here it goes.

When I was younger I actually enjoyed writing.  I was maybe even good at it.  When I was in elementary school I was chosen to go to a writer's conference at Central College with other kids around the state of Iowa.  I couldn't even tell you what my writing was about, but I'm sure the book that it got "published" in is in a tub in my basement.  :)

My problem now is I have so many thoughts scattered in my brain that it's hard to concentrate and pick just one thing to write about.  So, this post may be ramblings of mine.

What first led me to look into adoption was miscarriages.  I always thought I'd be content with just two children.  But, once I had two, my heart longed for another.  We struggled with infertility and a miscarriage between Taylor and Jake.  That was one of the hardest times in my life and our marriage.  We got pregnant so easily with Taylor (umm, weren't even trying!) that it was hard to believe it wouldn't be so easy the second time around.  But, it was.  And, then we had our sweet Jake.  He filled my heart with so much joy.  Jeremy and I both thought we should have another baby.  But, the third time around proved to be more difficult than the second.  We ended up having two more miscarriages and I was crushed.  I found it hard at times to get out of bed and live for Jeremy and our two kids.  I became depressed.  And, I became determined.  I saw specialist after specialist to figure out why my body kept letting me down.

I can remember a comment after having our first two children (who were both almost 10 pounds) from my doctor.  He told me my body was made to birth babies (I had easy labors and deliveries).  But, if it was meant for having babies, why was I struggling to carry them?  One specialist that I met with asked why I was so determined to have another baby right away (she delivered the famous septuplets in Iowa).  I told her I wanted to experience having our kids close in age.  After all, that is how it is done in the town I live in.  Every two years you're supposed to have babies.  She just looked at me and told me I was young and had time.  She also told me I needed to heal from the losses before moving forward.  And, she was right.  Jeremy told me I needed to start living for the two children we already had instead of living in the past or the future.  He was right.  So, I did just that.  Our last miscarriages happened in May 2004 and I decided to take the summer off from trying to have another baby.  It was the best thing I could have done.

In the midst of all of those appointments with specialists I called a local adoption agency and asked about adoption.  When they told me the price associated with adoption I said thank you and hung up.  There was no way we could afford to adopt.

We ended up getting pregnant in September of 2004 and carrying a baby to term.  We named her Hope.  I had been at a Women of Faith Conference after my miscarriages and remembered clearly sitting in my chair and hearing a voice tell me we would have another child and her name would be Hope.  We had no idea that the baby I was carrying was a girl.  Jeremy liked the element of surprise when it came to giving birth.  And, I know Hope was meant to be in our family.  Our lives would not be complete without her.  She certainly has a lot of me in her (and my parents will remind me of that frequently).

What I realize now is I was not ready to adopt because my heart was not right, not because the money wasn't there.  God grew me in so many ways from that first thought in my head about adoption.  And, I'm so thankful for what He has done in my life.  I needed time to grow spiritually.  I needed to understand the gift of adoption that God gave each of us to join His family.  It's still a work in progress for me.  I don't have it all figured out.

God didn't let the thought of adoption leave my heart.  I knew there was another body that was meant to join our family.  It just took more years to lead Jeremy down that path.  I love that God doesn't give up on us.  We just need to make sure we're listening to Him.

I think I'll sign off for now.  You're all probably tired of my ramblings because I didn't include any pictures nor music videos to keep you interested.  And, I could try and sign off like Jeremy, but I'm just not cool like he is.  :)

Sarah