Pushing Forward

It has been almost one week since Jeremy left.  I'm still here.  I'm still surviving! :)

If you would have told me what it would look like to be gone from my family for six weeks, I am fairly certain I would not be where I am today.  I would have said no.  I would have walked away.  I think God purposely did not let me think through how hard this would be because He knew I would have run the other way.

There have been so many times over the last several weeks that I have cried out and said, "I can't do this anymore!!"  Jeremy would be right there reminding me that I could and I would.  When we dropped him off at the airport last Wednesday I literally thought I would not make it through another day.

But, God brought a lovely woman and her husband into my life.  And, they surrounded me with love and compassion.  They provided encouragement and a listening ear.  They let me cry and wiped my tears.  They hugged me and loved on Selah.  I was able to keep pushing forward.  I am so thankful for Debbie and Graham.  They were a lifesaver for me.

This past weekend I also had the privilege of spending Friday through Monday at a church retreat.  The social worker that works for the adoption agency here in South Africa invited me to attend her church's weekend away.  I wanted to say no.  I didn't know anyone.  I would be the odd man out.  But, I went because I knew Selah would have fun playing with other children.  At that point she'd been stuck with a mom who cried often and, let's face it, who wants to be around that all the time?!  It was another gift from God.  The whole church family welcomed me with open arms and prayed for our family.  We spent a lot of time singing, reading passages from Philippians, and enjoying the beautiful creation God made.  It got me through until the day Taylor would be coming.  But, I woke up to some not so great news.  I immediately started to cry.  Her flight was delayed.  They were talking about putting her up in a hotel overnight in Johannesburg and then flying her to Cape Town on Tuesday.  I could not imagine an 18 year old traveling in a foreign country being put up in a hotel overnight.

I pleaded and begged God to please get her to Cape Town on Monday night.  It was touch and go for many hours, and the unknown was unbearable.  I felt helpless.  But, I shouldn't have.  God has always been with me in this entire process.  It's me that continues to allow fear, doubt, and worry to control my life.  I know what is truth and yet I continually allow the "what ifs" to rule my thoughts.

I know there is so much growth that will come from this experience.  I know I am here for a reason.  It is just hard.  I told Jeremy the other day that my arms physically ache because they long to hug my other children.  I miss tousling Jake's hair.  I miss snuggling with Hope at the end of the day.  I miss Judah's hugs.

As I look back on all the things that have consumed my list of "what ifs", I don't think one of them has actually happened.  Everything has gone smoothly.  And, that's where fear creeps in again.  Because I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.  We have flights booked for Friday, May 8.  That will be just in time for me to get home and catch one or two parades and be home in time for Mother's Day, which is what I've longed for from the moment I stepped on South Africa's soil.  But, what if God doesn't answer that prayer?  Right now it is looking like a very real possibility that I could be here longer than that.  Another miracle needs to happen in the next few days to be on the schedule of leaving May 8.  And, I need to remember to praise God even if that miracle doesn't happen.  Because He is still good.

It has been so good to have Taylor here.  She has been a blessing to me.  I'm thankful that I get this alone time with her before she heads off to college.  It is giving me a glimpse of what our relationship will look like as she enters adulthood.  It makes me happy. :)

Another aspect I didn't fully realize is how much this trip has affected those closest to me, mainly, my Dad.  I knew this trip would be hard on me leaving my children, but I didn't think how hard it would be on my parents watching me struggle and knowing there was nothing they could do for me besides pray.  Hearing my Dad tell me that he wakes up in the middle of the night and just kneels by his bed praying for me brings tears to my eyes.  He is a great example to me!

I am so thankful for all the prayers.  I truly know that is what has carried me through each and every day when I have felt like I didn't have the strength to make it through another day.

This is me being real.  Honest.  Raw.  I've never been good at hiding my feelings and I think it is important to remember that adoption isn't all warm and fuzzy.  It is hard.  But, it is good.