17 years and counting!

Mother's Day is coming.  It's a day I used to anticipate with much expectation only to be let down because it didn't quite go the way I wanted it to.  My poor husband.  He always had to try and live up to what I wanted out of him, without me telling him what I needed.  I've finally let go of the expectations and now I just enjoy my family, messes and all. :)

God made me a mother long before I was ready.  My first Mother's Day I was 19.  I thought I knew so much, but really, I was only just beginning to learn.

(Please do not assume I've got this beautiful scrapbook put together based on this one picture.  Because, well, I'm still on year one of Taylor....and she is 17).  :)  This picture shows 4 generations of the women in my family when Taylor was a wee little one.  (Sorry, Manda for the throw back, but I think you're looking better than me!).  I am so thankful to have had great role models of who a mother is, from my own mom teaching me to both of my grandmas.  Without each of them, I would not be the mom I am today.  From learning to cook, to folding towels a certain way, to knitting, to gardening, and everything in between.  Most of all, they've taught me how to love and serve God.

It took some time, but I've learned that although Mother's Day is a day meant to honor mothers, it often leaves many women feeling hurt and alone.  Women who feel let down because they are not a mom yet.  Women who mourn the loss of a child (whether they took a breath in this life or not).  Women who have strained relationships with their own mothers.  Women who wish they had just one more day to spend with the mom.  The aches and hurts can linger for years.

This year my heart aches.  It aches because I'm a mother to another child, I just don't know who they are yet.  A child I've prayed for over and over this last year.  A child who has a name that we've picked out.  A name that seems so fitting for the journey of this adoption.  But, that child isn't here yet and it hurts.

When we struggled with miscarriages and infertility I was told something by my very wise husband.  He reminded me to enjoy the children we did have.  Love them.  Spend time with them.  Embrace each of them and their gifts.  So, I've been doing that.  And, on Mother's Day it will be no different.  I will look into each one of my children's big, beautiful, brown eyes and remind myself that God entrusted each one of them to me.  And, one day (soon, I hope), I will see another set of big, beautiful, brown eyes staring back into mine.  Until that day comes I will cling to this verse....