Keeping it Real

It seems as though we fell off the face of the earth after we announced our big news!  In reality, I do feel as though I've neglected a lot of things these past two months because I've been concentrating on one thing, completing our dossier for South Africa.  We've been on a time crunch trying to get things completed and turned in before South Africa shuts down for the month of December.  As the month of November winds down, it looks like it is a near impossibility for that to happen.  I've got everything done on my end, we just have some hang ups that are out of our control.  A big shout out to all of those who had to contribute to our dossier and did so willingly and quickly.  There were some hiccups along the way making sure signatures, dates, and notary information was complete and accurate, but it is done and sitting in a neat little stack in a pretty folder.  Now, if we could just get our fingerprints finalized, we will be on our way to sending our neat, thick stack of papers off.

When we started this blog, I wanted to make sure we portray truth when talking about adoption.  The truth is it is not easy.  It is not always fun.  It is hard.  Right now, I'm in hard.  I'm angry and frustrated.  Everyday I look at our daughter's face and my heart grows a little more for her.  And, at the same time, it breaks a little more because it's one more day I'm not with her.  Don't get me wrong.  Life is still going on around me and I'm present in it, I just wish she were here with us.

Another big day is coming up and we won't be with her and it makes me wonder who will be.  Our daughter is turning 7 in December.  We won't be with her.  We don't even have the date, we just know it is in December.  Hope asked me the other day if we will celebrate her sister's birthday.  My response was yes.  We will pick a day for now and that will be the day we celebrate her.  I will make some new foods from South Africa and we will sing Happy Birthday and eat cake and pray for her just like we do every night at supper.

Our time table is looking a little different.  We were hoping to be traveling in late January or February.  Right now I'm praying that a miracle happens and we will travel in March.  If not, I just may miss Taylor graduating from high school.  In my heart, I know Taylor will understand if I do have to miss it, but I don't want to miss that milestone.  I want us to be a family of 7 by that point, all together under one roof.  This is where I let worry and anger creep in.  I don't understand the "why" behind the delays.  But, I know God knows and I have to be okay with that.

With all the highs and lows that come with adoption, I am still thankful God called us to do this.  Adoption has brought so many great things into my life.  He's given me new perspectives and valuable friendships.  He's grown me as a person.

Thank you for continuing to support us and love us through this.  It means so much and we are thankful for each one of you.

One highlight from the last two months was Jeremy taking me to see Jeremy Camp for my birthday.  One of his songs is what spurred us into action with this adoption.  It's called Reckless and I'm pretty sure Jeremy has posted it on here before, but it's too good not to share again.

An unexpected journey

Wow!  It's been a long time since I've posted on here.  I think it might have been way before baseball season.

My favorite movies are the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and the Hobbit movies.  That's why I decided to title this "An unexpected journey".  Just like in the movies, we started out on a journey that we thought God was leading us down a specific road.  We knew there would be a few different bumps in the road, obstacles to overcome. Then, something unexpected happens and we need to make a turn on a road never traveled, heading south.

When we first prayed about adopting again earlier last year, and confirmed that's what we were going to do,  we started filling out everything to get ready to head back to Ethiopia.  Well, it looks like that road to Ethiopia is going a little farther south.  South Africa to be specific.
When we first started the process with Judah, and also, earlier last year, we had picked out a few countries to adopt from, and narrowed it down to Ethiopia for a few reasons. Some countries were going to be 50-60 thousand dollars after everything was all said and done.  Some countries closed down temporarily.  Yet others were going to require us to stay for six weeks.  All of which we didn't think we were able to do.  We sponsored a girl from Ethiopia, so it just seemed right.  It was where God wanted us to go.  So we thought it would be the same this time around.

Since we've had our stuff in Ethiopia waiting on a referral, we've been praying for God to put a face with the name we've been praying for.  We did the same with Judah before we saw his face or knew his name.  We wanted to give a name to this child so our children could feel as if they were praying for someone specific.
One day Sarah was looking at the waiting children's list (as she always does), and saw a picture of a beautiful little girl from Africa that she fell in love with .  She inquired about her, and found out she was in South Africa.  South Africa is one of those countries that require a six week stay.
 
About a month after we first inquired about this little girl we were asked if we wanted to pursue it further because there was another family that was also interested in her.  We both decided we needed to be obedient and send our information over.  The information looked over is to see if we would be able to be in the program, and second, if we were a good fit for this child.  Well, we were both.
 
Now here is something that I find just utterly amazing.  One afternoon while I was at work, I was praying that God would show us a face to the name we were praying for.  As I was sitting there, God gave me a very distinct answer, telling me in a month.  As I look back, I soon realized that a month after He gave that answer is when Sarah first showed me the picture of this little girl.  At the time I wasn't even looking for the answer in that form.  I was waiting for an official referral from Ethiopia.  WOW!

So now it looks as if we need to figure out how we are going to live in another country for six weeks away from the rest of our children, and learn how to drive on the other side of the road:)

This journey has taught us that we need to continue to be obedient to where God is leading us.  We could have easily said no.  We could have continued to wait for a child in Ethiopia because that was what was easy and comfortable for us.  It is what we knew.

But, we also realized we never went into adoption wanting to wait for a child.  We wanted to be a family ready for a waiting child.  Will it be easy?  No.  Will it be worth it?  Yes!


Rock on
J

MudLove Fundraiser

You won't here me talk much about Judah and his personal struggles, not here in a public setting, and usually not to the general public.  But, there are struggles and we've had him see a counselor to help him work through some things.  We want to help him any way we can.  There is a reason I'm mentioning it now.  It's what I would call "A God Thing".  Last week Judah saw this counselor for the last time.  She's moving and with that, it meant we would be ending our time with her.  At the last session she gave Judah and Hope each a gift.  It was a gift that touched my heart.  It showed me how much she got know my family over the course of our time together.  She gave them these:  

I cried when I got in the car.  She chose these bracelets not only for the words on them, but because of what these bracelets do.  With every purchase, a percentage of sales goes to help provide clean water in Africa.  Our counselor knew how much it meant to us to give back.

I immediately came home and looked MudLove up on the internet.  I loved what I read.  And, I discovered that they help with fundraising!  It's always so hard for us to ask people to help us with our adoption.  However, I felt like this was a fundraiser we could do because it does more than help us.  It helps provide clean water to people who need it.

So, now we're asking for your help.  There are many sayings that we could order, but we settled on two that mean the most to us right now.  They are:

Here is how it will work.  For the next 2 weeks, we will have people pre-order these bracelets.  You will click on the donate link off to the side.  Each bracelet is $10.  If you need us to mail these bracelets to you, please include $3 for shipping (even if you are ordering multiple bracelets).  Add the amount that you would like to donate based on those numbers.  When you login to paypal, you should be able to include a note.  In the note section, please include how many of which bracelet(s) you want and also a mailing address if we are to mail them to you.

We will then place the order for the bracelets.  It will take about 2 weeks for us to receive them.  Once we do, they will get distributed.  :)

I know it is only the end of August and school has just started for most of us, but I'm asking you to think ahead to Christmas.  These would make great little gifts or stocking stuffers! :)

If you have any questions before ordering, please let us know!

Life Goes On

Life has been quite crazy in our household since May.  When you have four children who all love to play baseball and softball it makes for some crazy summer months.  Often we hear how crazy we are to have them all play, but the truth of the matter is, we love it!  There is nothing better (for me) than sitting outside on a nice spring or summer evening and watch the game of baseball/softball.  Slowly the games became fewer and fewer as our younger kids finished their season.

Jake entered tournament play around the middle of June.  They had a great season.  During the regular season they'd only lost a game or two.  We entered tournaments strong.  Then came their game on a Friday night.  Things went a little different than they had all season long.  It just wasn't their night.  Tears and disappointment loomed in the air.  But, something else happened.  The boys learned some pretty big life lessons.  There will be disappointment in life.  It's how we deal with it that matters.  So, they picked themselves up and went on to finish 3rd in the tournaments.  Life goes on.

High school sports leads to a whole new level of play.  The intensity with which people watch is stronger.  Taylor's softball team hit a groove.  They were doing well.  Then, some bigger schools entered the picture.  Tough competition lead to some hard games and a few losses.  However, there were moments where they just all worked together, played their hearts out, and won against big schools.  Their determination to be better was outstanding.  They earned a bye in tournament play and it gave them confidence to come out on top in their first regional game.  We came up on the next game and won that one as well.  They saw their chance at state within reach.  Their final game before state competition was this past Monday.  We knew the team would be tough.  The opposing team is ranked #1 in 2A.  We went into the game and had some errors right away.  More than what I had seen from them almost all year long.  The bottom of the 7th inning and we were behind 4-11.  We needed to score 7 runs to head into an extra inning or 8 to win.  It didn't seem possible, especially with 2 outs right away.  And, then, something began to change.  The girls were hitting like crazy.  Taylor got up to bat.  She was nervous.  I could see it on her face.  I knew she didn't want to be the last out of the game.  She fouled off a couple of balls.  There were a couple of balls thrown to her.  And, then she nailed it.  It was a beautiful hit that got her to second base.  The next gal came up to hit and Taylor took off.  She headed for home to try and tie the game.  But, it wasn't meant to be.  She got out within inches of home plate.  She slammed her hand down across home plate and just started crying.  Oh how my heart began to break.  Tears welled up in my eyes and I just knew she was blaming herself.  We didn't say much to her after she came out of the dugout, except that we were proud of her.  

The next morning came.  The disappointment was still there.  We talked some more about the game.  We talked about what Taylor would do with all her free time.  More life lessons were learned.  Life goes on.

That theme has been something I needed to learn.  Lately, I've been in a terrible funk.  I've been angry at God, questioning His timing with our adoption.  That's all I have been focusing on for so long.  But, life is still going on all around me.  Taylor is entering her senior year.  She won't be home for much longer.  I want to embrace the time I have left with her here.  I've been worried about her not being able to bond with our next child, but the recurring thought of "life goes on" keeps playing in my head.  God's grander picture of what He is doing in our life and the life of our child is one I will not understand, but it is one that I need to trust.  So, from this point forward I'm choosing to look at things differently and stop focusing on all the things I wish were different.  Life goes on.

17 years and counting!

Mother's Day is coming.  It's a day I used to anticipate with much expectation only to be let down because it didn't quite go the way I wanted it to.  My poor husband.  He always had to try and live up to what I wanted out of him, without me telling him what I needed.  I've finally let go of the expectations and now I just enjoy my family, messes and all. :)

God made me a mother long before I was ready.  My first Mother's Day I was 19.  I thought I knew so much, but really, I was only just beginning to learn.

(Please do not assume I've got this beautiful scrapbook put together based on this one picture.  Because, well, I'm still on year one of Taylor....and she is 17).  :)  This picture shows 4 generations of the women in my family when Taylor was a wee little one.  (Sorry, Manda for the throw back, but I think you're looking better than me!).  I am so thankful to have had great role models of who a mother is, from my own mom teaching me to both of my grandmas.  Without each of them, I would not be the mom I am today.  From learning to cook, to folding towels a certain way, to knitting, to gardening, and everything in between.  Most of all, they've taught me how to love and serve God.

It took some time, but I've learned that although Mother's Day is a day meant to honor mothers, it often leaves many women feeling hurt and alone.  Women who feel let down because they are not a mom yet.  Women who mourn the loss of a child (whether they took a breath in this life or not).  Women who have strained relationships with their own mothers.  Women who wish they had just one more day to spend with the mom.  The aches and hurts can linger for years.

This year my heart aches.  It aches because I'm a mother to another child, I just don't know who they are yet.  A child I've prayed for over and over this last year.  A child who has a name that we've picked out.  A name that seems so fitting for the journey of this adoption.  But, that child isn't here yet and it hurts.

When we struggled with miscarriages and infertility I was told something by my very wise husband.  He reminded me to enjoy the children we did have.  Love them.  Spend time with them.  Embrace each of them and their gifts.  So, I've been doing that.  And, on Mother's Day it will be no different.  I will look into each one of my children's big, beautiful, brown eyes and remind myself that God entrusted each one of them to me.  And, one day (soon, I hope), I will see another set of big, beautiful, brown eyes staring back into mine.  Until that day comes I will cling to this verse....

Boldly praying

"To be a Christian without prayer is no more possible than to be alive without breathing."  Martin Luther King Jr.

I have been reading through another book by Craig Groeschel.  It's called Alter Ego.  It's taking me longer to get through it because I feel like free time is becoming less and less. :) One of the chapters really hit me last week and I've been thinking about it ever since.  It was on Bold Prayer.

It made me stop and think about how I pray.  Prayer is one of the biggest struggles I have in my walk with Jesus.  I don't think I pray often enough.  I often go through the day without making prayer a fluid part of it.  If I have people ask for prayer I often stop in that moment and pray for that person or their request and then continue about my day.  Groeschel talked about what is in our prayers.  He says that what we pray for is often a reflection of who we think God is.  He said if you don't pray, you likely don't believe in God.  If your prayers are usually about yourself, you might believe God is here to serve you.  Sometimes we say "all we have left to do is pray".  That may mean we look to God as a last resort.

He goes on to say that people in the early church prayed big, bold prayers.  Prayers that would heal the sick, raise the dead, preach before thousands of people kind of prayers.  If we want to make a difference in this world, we need to pray big, bold prayers.  Most of the time, however, we probably pray small prayers.  Something that goes like, "Dear God, thank you for this day."  Or, "God be with us."  There's not anything wrong with those prayers, but are they bold?

With this adoption, I've prayed many prayers.  Our children have prayed many prayers.

However, I'm beginning to wonder if I have been praying big, bold prayers.  Remember, Groeschel says that our prayers often reflect our belief in God.  And, sometimes we don't pray those bold prayers because we don't want to be disappointed.  And, if we don't want to be disappointed is that saying we don't believe God can answer our prayers?  

Will God answer our prayers every time we ask for something?  No.  But, our faith should be big enough that we can ask for anything and it can handle when God says no.  Why?  Because God is Sovereign and He knows.

I know I need to pray bold prayers for our child.  Prayers that I'm afraid to utter because what if He doesn't answer?  Will I be disappointed in God?  You see, I just want to see our child.  I want to put a face with the name we have picked out.  I want our children to see who they are praying for.  I never thought we would be waiting this long to see a face. 

Jeremy and I took the three younger kids on a quick trip to see our nephew this past weekend.  It was a four hour drive one way, so it gave us a chance to have conversations with each other that sometimes don't happen during our busy weekdays.  I was able to ask Jeremy if he boldly prays for things.  I told him my struggles with praying.  Sometimes it is nice to hear I'm not alone.  

God is teaching me that I still haven't fully trusted Him to see us through.  I am still trying to carry the weight of this adoption on my shoulders.  I need to surrender it all to Him.  I am working on it........daily.

Because of a boy

If you're joining me today from Noonday's blog train.....welcome!  I'm glad you stopped by.  If you're a regular on our blog, Noonday Ambassadors have been spreading Noonday cheer since the new spring collection launched late February and fellow ambassadors are giving away Noonday Collection items each day.  Today is my turn!

Today is our youngest son's birthday!  He turns 7 and is less than thrilled that on his birthday we may get some snow.  Even after being in the US for 2 1/2 years, snow still ranks high on the things he dislikes most.  I get it.  I'm over winter.  I'm ready for some warmer temps and sunny skies!

After our adoption of Judah, I had this stirring inside that I needed to be doing more.  More to help those that don't have what we do here in America.  Jobs.  Opportunities.  Clean water.  Education.  I had stumbled across Noonday through a blog that I read.  I looked into the company and loved what they stood for.  I let those thoughts simmer in the back of my head for about a year.  And, then I decided it was time to take the plunge and start speaking for those who don't have a voice.

Noonday is based on Isaiah 58:10 "and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday."

I view Noonday as a ministry and that's why I decided to become a part of this company.  It is right where God wants me.

What I love most about Noonday is the opportunity to share others stories by wearing their story!  If you see me, you might see me wearing a bracelet made out of upcycled bullets from a war that took place in Ethiopia.  I would tell you that Noonday is able to provide 100's of jobs for women because they are melting down these massive bullets to make necklaces, earrings, and bracelets.  These women who had no hope before coming to Mount Entoto are now able to provide for their families.  They can send their children to school.  They now have access to ARV's.  More of Ethiopia's story is here.

I might also have a scarf on.  I would be able to tell you that the scarf I'm wearing is made by women in Guatemala.  I'd tell you that it is hand woven and uses natural dye to make the beautiful scarves in our collection.  You can read more about Guatemala here.

Or, I might be wearing a necklace made out of tagua seeds by women in Equador.  From seeds the women create beads and use those to make more beautiful one of a kind pieces of jewelry.  You can read about Equador here.

If God had never brought us on the journey of adoption, I might still be sitting around in my own little world, thinking of myself first and foremost.  People like to say that we've done something good by adopting.  While there is some truth to that, I feel more convinced than ever that God used adoption to change ME!  And, even if the road has been hard, I would not want to go back to the person I was four years ago.

You can always purchase online through sarahhartson.noondaycollection.com.  Or, you can help spread Noonday's story through hosting your own show.  It's a great opportunity to get together with friends and learn how we can make a difference in the lives of others.

So, today I have a giveaway of one of my favorite pieces in the Noonday Collection.  It is the Metallic Pearls necklace.  I love it because it is simple.  I love it because it is from Ethiopia.  I love wearing it, praying for the women who made it, and thanking God that because of me wearing their story, these women have hope.

To enter, leave a comment below on your favorite Noonday piece or how God has worked in your life to change you.  One winner will be drawn on Friday, March 28!  Share away!

In honor of our son's birthday, I will donate a portion of my commission to an organization in Ethiopia for purchases made from my site over the next 5 days.  Thanks for stopping by!

Tomorrow, you can keep going with the blog train by visiting here!

Referal-versary

Three years ago today was one of the most special days in my life.  The kids were on Spring Break.  I was getting ready for my sister's wedding that was to take place just 2 days later.  I was sitting in a hair salon getting my haircut.  I didn't hear my phone ring at all.  I went and paid and pulled my phone out of my purse and saw a missed call from our agency.  I thought that was strange because I'd just talked to them a couple of days prior and didn't think there would be any new news.  Then I saw a missed call from Jeremy.  I tried calling him back, but couldn't get in touch with him.  So, I got in the van and started driving to his work and I was calling our agency at the same time.  I heard a voice on the other end and my heart started racing.  I said hello back and then she said, "Sarah, have you talked with Jeremy?"  "No." I answered.  She went on to tell me that there was a little boy they wanted us to consider.  He was 3, turning 4 one week later.  Of course I started to cry.  She went on to tell me a few things and then said to me, "We will send you all of his information via email if you would like to consider him."  By that time I was with Jeremy and I said we'd talk and get back to her.  I looked at Jeremy and we both said, "Of course we want to know more about him."  I called our agency back and they said they'd get everything together and send later that afternoon.  Those few hours of waiting were brutal.  I took the kids to the park to play for awhile and then I headed home while Taylor stayed with them at the park.

Sure enough, an email had come through in that time and I pulled it up, hands shaking.  And then, I saw this face staring back at me:

I cried.  I called Jeremy and told him that this little boy was beautiful.  We talked a little about some of the information that was provided and said we'd talk more when Jeremy came home from work.  

When Jeremy came home we went about our normal tasks of supper, playing with the kids, getting them to bed, etc.  Once they were tucked in, we sat down and talked some more.  We decided to pray about what our answer should be.  The answer was immediate.  We knew he was our son.  

We had some more paperwork to fill out with the acceptance of his referral.  All the while, we kept this a secret from our children.  We thought since he was turning 4 just a few days later, we would announce to the kids on his birthday that they had a new brother.  

So, while everyone celebrates Saint Patty's Day, our family celebrates the gift of our 4th child, our son, Judah Asrat.  I'm so thankful to have spent 3 years staring into those beautiful brown eyes.  God is so good!  Tonight we will be eating delicious Ethiopian food instead of corned beef and cabbage.  :)

And, with the celebration of this day, it is also reminding me we have been waiting a longer amount of time to see our 5th child's face than the time we waited to see Judah's.  While it is so hard to wait, I continue to trust in God and his unfailing love for us.  

Give Me Jesus

It's hard for me to believe, but one year ago at this time, I was studying and praying through a 30 day devotion dedicated specifically to adoption.  During Lent last year Jeremy and I decided it was time for us to really obey God.  We didn't want the desire in our hearts to be ours, but God's.  So, we both took that time during Lent to really examine what we were feeling and decide if it was God or us.  If you know me at all, I question things all the time.  I am always wondering how I know God is speaking to me or if it's my own thoughts that are being pursued.  It's a battle in my head that is not pretty at times.

The first devotion talked about how scripture is clear that God wants us as believers to take the gospel into the world, but that doesn't mean everyone should be a preacher.  The same is true that it is God's calling for us as believers to care for the orphan.  But, the devotion says that sometimes people confuse God's whisper of getting involved with orphan care and think they should adopt and how that can lead to heartbreak.

That statement got the wheels in my head turning.  How do I know if God is telling us to adopt again?  What if we misread what we feel is being laid on our hearts?  I did the only thing I could.  I prayed.  I prayed for God to make it clear to me that our desires were His desires.

I was sitting at the computer doing day 10 of the devotion and Jeremy was in the kitchen.  I just glanced at him and asked if he was feeling anything clear being spoken to him.  He just looked at me and said, "Who are we kidding?  We know this is what God wants.  He took care of us the first time, He'll do it again.  Am I scared?  Yes.  Do I want to follow God?  Yes."  I had such a sense of peace when those words were spoken.  And, normally hearing Jeremy say he's scared about something would send me into "worry mode".  But, it didn't.

We continued on for the rest of Lent praying and seeking.  Easter came and we celebrated our risen King.  I had so many emotions that day.  I cried for what God did for us so many years ago.  I cried for what He was doing in our family.

We entered into April with a sense of relief.  I will tell you I still let the doubt creep in, but continued to trust.  We sent in our formal application April 16, 2013.  While there are times where it seems like just yesterday was spent filling it out, there are other times when I wonder how long we have to go.  Adoption is hard.  But, it is right for our family.

If you've been with us since the beginning, thank you for putting up with us (me!).  Thank you for your prayers.  Thank you for continuing to walk this road with our family.  If you're just joining us, welcome to the ride!  If our story has stirred something in your heart, praise God!  We want Him to receive all the glory for what He has been doing.  

One of my favorite songs is Give Me Jesus.  I want the words of the song to ring true in my life.  It's a daily struggle for me to put Him first.  I allow so many other things to cloud my thoughts, but when I put Him first, it's there that I find peace.

The video is a live performance of one of our favorite artists, Jeremy Camp.  If you listen all the way through, he talks about surrendering to Jesus.  That is where I want to be.

Knit in my Heart

Knitting was something my grandma was very passionate about.  She loved to knit.  And, I loved to watch her.  When I was a little girl I wanted to learn how.  My Grandma Ruth showed me how to make washcloths.  I'm pretty sure I wasn't very good at it, but I loved that I was learning something that she loved to do.

When I grew older and had children, I didn't have the time to knit.  But, shortly after I had Hope I decided I wanted to pick knitting back up again.  I had my Grandma show me all over again how to cast on (I still struggle with it and now my mom has to help me!).  I worked on this blanket in the evenings and it took me several months, but I finished it.  I was quite impressed that I accomplished it.  There were some mistakes along the way and too often, I had to visit my Grandma and ask for help in fixing a mistake I'd made.  To this day, Hope still uses that blanket.  It is quite worn and has holes in it, but it makes my heart happy to see something that I poured myself into be loved by my child.

When we decided to adopt Judah I knew we would not be bringing a baby home.  I knew he would be a toddler or slightly older, but I still wanted him to have his first blanket from his mama.  So, I began to knit.  It was the same simple pattern I used for Hope, only this time the yarn was a beautiful blue instead of a soft lavender.  I spent many nights praying while knitting.  Praying for whatever child was meant to be wrapped up in this blanket.  Many tears were shed, slowly falling from my cheeks as I prayed for a child I'd never met.  Somehow, I still messed up the blanket by dropping a stitch or miss-counting rows.  I'd have to call my mom and tell her I needed help (by this time, my Grandma's hands were too frail to do a lot, but I know she helped me a time or two).  The day Judah came home, I gave him his blanket.  He still sleeps with it today.

Occasionally, Hope and Judah wear their blankets as capes. :)

Again, when we decided to adopt this time, we knew we would not be adopting a baby.  Back in August, before we headed off for vacation I had my mom help me find some yarn and I started another blanket.  Vacation ended, I had some rows done, but still had a very long ways to go.  We needed to fill out more paper work and kids activities kept me busy, but I'd pick up the blanket here and there.

Recently, though, I felt this urge to get it done.  I knit almost every night for a couple of weeks and one Tuesday when no children were home, I just picked the blanket up and knit and knit and knit.  I prayed for our child, I recited a favorite bible verse of mine over and over, stitch by stitch.  Late that evening Jeremy and I were sitting together and I finished it.  It felt so good to have it done.  I showed it to Hope and the first thing she did was put it on as a cape.

When I knit this blanket I thought of the passage in Psalm 139 where it talks about God knitting us in our mother's womb.  While Judah was not knit in my womb, he certainly was knit in my heart.  The same is true for our next child.  There is so much love already in my heart.  Sometimes I feel a physical ache when I think of our child whose face we have not seen.  And, that is the work of God preparing our family, making room in our hearts to love one more.

(Writing this post made me realize how much I miss those times with my Grandma and how she would laugh at having to help me over and over)!  While no two people are alike, neither are any of my blankets.  I know there are mistakes in each one of them, but they are "perfect" in the eyes of my children. :)

Hungry

"I'm starving!"  Do you say this?  I have.  I still catch myself saying it.  My kids have said it, too.  In fact, right before we ate Sunday dinner Hope said it to me.  We gathered at church for Sunday dinner this past week.  There was a special occasion that brought us there.  It was to break the fast that Taylor and her youth group had just got done participating in.  They went 30+ hours with no food.  I could tell by the look on Taylor's face that morning as we pulled up to church that she was maybe a little irritable.  I try not to push too many buttons when I can sense that she may be on edge, so we just went up and said hello and headed inside to find our seats.

Church began and pretty soon it was time for the kids to head up to hear their own children's message.  The youth group started to talk about how they had been fasting.  They asked the kids if anyone had ever gone without breakfast.  Many kids raised their hand.  They asked how many kids had gone without breakfast, lunch, supper, and breakfast again.  Judah raised his hand.  He was one of two.  I know it's been a couple of years since he really was in that situation, but it was reality for him.  I'm sure if you asked him about it today, he may even try and joke about it or say he doesn't remember.  And, there may be some truth to that.  He was a toddler.  It's hard to remember a past that you sometimes want to forget.  We have heard some stories from him.  Stories that are his so I will not share here, but stories that make me ache.  Tears began to form in my eyes.  Taylor went on to talk about how many children die each day from starvation.  The number is astonishing.  They held up a banner and announced that 19,000 children die each and every day from hunger.  As Taylor reminded us, each one has a name and a face.  The youth group had put 19,000 fingerprints on the banner to represent those children.  It's hard to comprehend that number, to wrap my mind around that reality.  But, it's there staring at me.  You see, before Judah, these were all just numbers to me.  Not children with faces.  Not reality for me because I'd never experienced it.  When I got on a plane and landed in Africa my eyes saw the need.  I looked into those big, beautiful brown eyes that were hungry and no longer saw numbers.

The service ended and a little while later we gathered with the youth group in the back of church for a time of reflection before we ate.  The kids were asked to write a word or phrase about what they are taking away from this weekend.  Taylor's was "make an impact."  I actually think that may be my motto for 2014.  Her point was it doesn't have to be big in order to make an impact.  Being kind to someone will leave an impact.  Forgiving someone will leave an impact.  Asking for forgiveness will leave an impact.  Offering to make someone food will leave an impact.  Watching someone's children for them will leave an impact.  The list can go on.

The more I strive to follow Jesus, the more I see how he can use little, ordinary offerings to make an impact on the world he created.

We sang the song "Hungry" in church on Sunday.  It reminds me to be hungry, to go to Jesus and offer all of who I am so He can fill me up.

Make Me Broken

Often times we just want to sail through life.  We want things to be perfect and easy and clean.

Here's the problem with that.  Life will never be that way.

A friend posted this on FB this morning from Sarah Young: "Give up the illusion that you deserve a problem-free life.  Part of you is still hungering for the resolution of all difficulties.  This is a false hope!  As I told my disciples, in the world you will have trouble.  Link your hope not to problem solving in this life, but to the promise of an eternity of problem-free life in heaven.  Instead of seeking perfection in this fallen world, pour your energy into seeking Me:  the Perfect One."

Reading that was one of those moments when you realize God is speaking directly to your heart.  There is no other way to explain it, except I felt like it was directed right to me.  I can read things and it has no effect on me.  This was not one of those times.  I have let fear captivate me during our adoption process lately.  I decided to fast and pray and during that time I felt such peace.  But, you know what happened after that?  I went back to my "normal" life and allowed the doubt, fear, and confusion set in again.  I questioned God on why He would lead us down this path again only to have struggles during the process.

Let's think about this.  Where did God say this process would be perfect?  He didn't.  He just asked me to follow Him.  Trust Him.  Be obedient.

And, then I read these verses tied to the passage above written by Sarah Young.  Psalm 112: 4-7 says this:

Psalm 112:4-7

New International Version (NIV)

4 Even in darkness light dawns for the upright,
    for those who are gracious and compassionate and righteous.
5 Good will come to those who are generous and lend freely,
    who conduct their affairs with justice.

6 Surely the righteous will never be shaken;
    they will be remembered forever.
7 They will have no fear of bad news;
    their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.

Today, I'm going to trust in the One who pursued me to be His child.

And, here's a song by Sidewalk Prophets that someone brought up on the post on FB, Keep Making Me.  I haven't listened to this album in a long time, but it's perfect.  The first words are Make me broken.  Your broken may not be my broken, but we are all there.  Broken.  In need of God's love and forgiveness and redemption.

Growing Pains

When we first started talking about having a blog, we were contemplating what to name it.  I struggle with being creative.  If I see something I like, I can "copy" it, but sometimes I have a hard time coming up with things on my own.  The name of the blog was no exception.

I went on a walk around our small town (I can walk around all the blocks and it equals about a mile, so I usually walk around it four times).  My mind usually works in overdrive as my feet hit the pavement.  I listen to music to keep me motivated, but a lot of times my mind wanders and I pray, enjoy the scenery, and think.  I do lots of thinking while walking.

I remember getting to the top of a steep hill one evening and it hit me.  What if we named our blog with a title of an 80's or 90's sitcom?  If you're around my age, I'm sure you can think of lots of them.  And, I did too.  I came home with a list and told Jeremy.

Family Ties (love Micahel J. Fox aka Alex P. Keaton)

Different Strokes (What you talking about Willis?)

Full House (Uncle Jesse was the best)

and, of course Growing Pains (I think a lot of girls had a crush on Kirk Cameron)!

We settled on Growing Pains and there are so many reasons why.  I think any time you grow your family, there's always some amount of pain involved.  I mean, in your head you may think it will be blissful, but it turns out that it isn't always that way.

When we had Taylor, we were kids ourselves just trying to figure out how to be good parents.

When we wanted more children, there was pain involved when we had a miscarriage and struggled with infertility.

When Jake finally arrived, dividing attention between two children and learning how to multi-task with two kids took some time.

Once we decided we'd love to add another baby to our growing family, we found out it wouldn't be so easy again.  Many tears were shed and depression set in for me when dealing with our next two miscarriages.

And, then Hope came.  I thought it would be pure bliss.  And, I struggled with depression.  I couldn't nurse my children and I felt like a complete failure.  I thought all the mistakes I had made with Taylor and Jake, I'd be able to make right with Hope.  That wasn't the case.  I built things up in my head and when things didn't go the way I thought they should, I crashed.  I'm so thankful for a loving husband who knew the right things to say to me.  He was my saving grace.

When we prayed about our adoption with Judah, we knew it wouldn't be easy.  We knew there would be rough patches and seasons.  And, there were.  When we had delays in our journey, I cried out to God so many times to just make things happen.  We traveled with families for court and they headed back to get their sweet kiddos and we didn't have clearance to go and get Judah.  It literally broke my heart.  I physically had an ache in my heart that would not go away.  But, I also clung to God like I never had before.  He was my rock.  He took a lot of my anger and frustration and He loved me anyway.

And, that's when I realized without pain, I wouldn't grow.  God used so many of those "deep pit" moments to grow me as a person, as a mother, as a wife, as His precious daughter.

So, the title comes with so many meanings (more than just an 80's sitcom).  It reminds me all the time that God is using this journey to grow me in ways I probably never imagined.  And, I'm thankful.

Christian Atheist

With the weather colder outside, it tends to make me read more.  Winter is usually my "reading time", summer is usually meant to be spent outdoors.  I try and read, it's just there are so many other things that we are doing, I typically don't find the time to do it.  I love to read.  But, not as much as Taylor.   I think she can read through a book in about two hours.  I told her that maybe she should be a book editor.  That got nixed right away. :)

I've been reading a book by Craig Groeschel.  It's pretty thought provoking.  It had me at chapter one.  I used to only read fiction books, but the older I've gotten, the more I've branched into areas.  Lately I've done a lot of reading on adoption because our agency requires us to log hours of adoption training.  I guess living it daily isn't enough of training. :)

So, the book is called The Christian Atheist.  Once I started reading it, I saw a lot of me in what he was talking about.

Chapter one starts talking about how he never went to church.  That certainly wasn't me growing up.  Our family went every Sunday (twice) and we also attended Wednesday night activities.  That should prove I was a Christian, right?  I used to think just because I knew who God was, that was enough.  I honestly can't tell you when I started to think differently.  It certainly was after we had Taylor.  Our first year of marriage we went to church because that is what "good" people do.  I've learned so much since then.  I've found a relationship with Jesus.  Groeschel talks about how "just because we do good, doesn't mean we know the One who is good."

I used to think being a Christian was almost like checking things off a check list.

Do I go to church every Sunday?  check

Do I treat people with respect?  check (most of the time)

Do I give money to charity?  check

Do I help others?  check

But, it's not about a check list.  It's so much more.  How often am I too busy to pray?  How often do I take the opportunity to just sit and be with the One who created me.  

Being a christian isn't all about legalism, it's also about love.  There are so many times that I feel myself getting sucked back into my old way of thinking.  The last part of chapter one really hit home.  I will post it here for you to read:

"A vibrant and intimate relationship with God will empower you to heal from the hurts from your past, forgive what seems unforgivable, and change what seems unchangeable about yourself.  Walking with God will break the power of materialism in your life and lead you to a radically generous life.  Instead of living for yourself and for the moment, you'll live for Christ and for eternity.  Your heart will begin to break for the reasons and causes that break God's heart.  You'll serve him faithfully as part of his bride, the church.  Instead of living in torment from worry and fear, you'll learn to experience peace, grace, and trust.  As you get to know him, you'll live boldly for him, excitedly sharing your faith with others, less and less concerned about what others think.  Knowing him will make you ache to tell others about him.  Get to know God.  When you do, you will never be the same."

That is who I want to be.

A week to remember.

Its Friday night, and I have come to the conclusion that this past week has been the best week I have had for awhile.  This week was winterim week for the high school students.  Taylor interned at the hospital all week and didn't have to go to classes.  She also took time off of her paying job so she could intern.  That meant she was home every night this week.  Which, in turn means we had all six family members at the supper table at the same time.  It was great.  She even hung out with her parents in the same room and had good conversations with us.  Then, I think Sarah and I played chutes and ladders every night with Judah and Hope. Jake and Judah gave me hugs on their own when I said I was leaving for praise team Thursday night.  And when I went to bed Thursday night I found this note under my pillow.

 

Pretty cool, huh?  I thought so.

 

This past Wednesday was the People's Choice Awards on T.V.  One Republic was playing live.  I called out to Taylor to come watch it with me since she likes them just as much I do.  She commented that she doesn't like listening to bands play live.  She thinks they sound terrible.  I told her I  loved live music, it's so raw. It's so vulnerable. Hearing that they are not as perfect as that recording I hear, tells me that they aren't afraid to let it hang out there.  Then I started thinking.  I wish I could be more raw and vulnerable. Just let it hang out there. It would probably make me a humble little being.  It would probably be easier for others to help keep me in check.  I think we Christ followers need to become more raw and vulnerable.  But how do I get there?  How did I get here?  Is it the western culture that has crept in and diluted what Christians were intended to do, making it our own comfortable religion?  Are other cultures raw and vulnerable?  I suppose this might be a question I ask Taylor after she gets her job as an anthropologist.

 

 

 

 

Rock on

J

 



 

Always Something Better

We have been in one of the hardest parts of adoption for a few weeks and it's not easy (waiting for a referral).  With all the paper work for the adoption done, we feel like we are doing nothing to move the process along (which we have no control over anyway, but it at least felt like we were "doing" something).  In the meantime we are still filling out paperwork for a couple more grants Sarah found.  I should actually say Sarah is filling them out.  It's almost like doing a term paper.  I was terrible at papers.   We did hear some news on the adoption front that made us (Sarah) worry a little.  Thankfully we know God is in control of it all.  You can always ask us in person if you want to know.

Recently I've been trying to look at myself in a certain area, and wonder if I portray a certain attitude to my children, or others for that matter.  For example.  I play this game on my Ipad called Clash of Clans.  This game is awesome, unless you ask my wife, or the wives of my two friends who play also.  Basically you have village that you build up troops, and your defense, and go raid other villages online to gain loot for upgrades. It is, really, a never ending task since all upgrades take real life days.  You also get to be in a clan with others around the world and chat.  Fun, right Jill?  Every time Judah comes over and looks at my village, he tells me I need to upgrade something, like it's not good enough.  I actually thought I was doing pretty well.:)  I guess not to him.  This past Saturday we had a boys day out to Monster Jam.  It was really cool, and I know both of the boys had fun.  But, as we were walking in the skywalk back to the car, Judah pipes up and says, "I can't believe I have to wait a whole year to see it again."  No, "That was awesome, I loved that monster truck flipping over." Or "Mohawk Warrior was my favorite."  The first thing was some kind of complaint.  He seems to do the same when Sarah cooks a supper he likes, but it wasn't exactly what he wanted.   After observing this for a little while, that's when I started looking at myself, wondering if he got this complaining, or this mentality of "things need to be better" from observing me?  You would think a sweet little boy from Ethiopia who didn't have some of these things would be satisfied with what he has.  I then look at our other children, and soon realize they are the same.  And how did they get that way?  That's right. Me.  See, even though I've changed the way I think about a lot of things in the past two years, I think a lot of the "damage" was done years ago.  Now I think it will take years to try and reverse it.  I know a lot of it will come with age, as the kids grow older, more mature.  I already see it with Taylor and the way she is starting to look at things.  As long as I can continue to keep myself in check (which is only done through the help of my wife) and show the kids by example, I think things will be okay. :)

We are still trying to think of a fun little giveaway for this next month.  We have a couple of ideas, so stay tuned!

Really though, this Clash of Clans game is awesome.  If you get a chance to play it, come check out our clan(Jesse Pinkman),and tell them RainbowFire489 sent ya over.:)





Here's a little taste of all the fun.

Rock on

J